Day Before Tomorrow

say out loud: day before tomorrow, i'll miss days before tomorrow.

it's the last day of year 2006. i've learn and experienced a lot throughout the year. starting from studying a levels at help university to working at my father's company for months. leaving home and study at rmit university in melbourne, australia. gaining experiences in daily cares and being in love. i'm satisfied and i'm happy with the year. no regrets coming australia to study although i miss my family very much. but being independent, i enjoyed. as in i felt myself growing both way, mentally and physically. yes, people! i gained weight. a lot. sigh. don't be surprise when you see me back with few layers of fats. *laugh out loud* however, i'm more happy and concern compared to before. pretty sure you guys will love me more. wooohooo~ just like him. *hahaha* yes, you're so going to say me 'tak tau malu' right? well, what to do? that's me.

things i will miss in year 2006...
1. the process of falling in love
2. the getaway on 22 of June
3. those clubbing memories with friends
4. the night at st kilda beach
5. those driving days to highpoint and ikea
6. studying but not really studying
7. hanging out with sam and ken
8. being close and having nice talk with athena, yuxi
9. holidays with family over here
10. day before christmas eve and christmas eve
11. christmas day
12. the trip to point nepean although it's boring
13. and i do miss jason much.
14. blah blah blah.. cannot be publish in public. LOL

i'll miss those days, but i'm ready to have a better one in year 2007.

love you! you! yes.. i'm talking about you!

Feel Your Pain

Seeing you in sadness and pain..
My heart started to rain..
Never ever be afraid..
Cause I will be here always..

After all the rainy days..
Will then comes the sunny day..
Love gone without a trace..
It disappeared in the haze..

Much more challenge to face..
Let's just overcome the fate..
It will never be too late..
To catch up for the next page..

Believe me when i say..
Tomorrow will be a better day..
You gonna find yourself a way..
Whether to leave or to stay..

Remember that no pain, no gain..
Towards you I have faith..
All the hard work will get paid..
Just have to smile and wait..

With all your hope and courage..
You will shine again..

Our Story

say out loud: i never thought it will end until it ended.

it all started with a fierce voice from my back. i turned back and saw them sitting behind my table at the study corner. a girl speaking influence English was scolding another one. first impression, she's tall. yes, she suppose to be the tallest girl among the girls. and she's really pretty. i wasn't aware that she's my classmate. however, that's not important. i don't remember what makes me helped her out by telling another girl to not being too rude to her. eventually, we start to hang out often. or i should say, we were like twin sister ever since that day. we were in the same sports house, whenever i was having competition, she's there to support me. whenever she's having problem, she'll come to me, and i'll give all i could. to her, i'm like a big sister, guiding and helping. to me, she's like my sister, someone i'm willing to share my everything, someone i'm willing to show myself. that year, we were in the same class. it's my second year of junior high school and i was having hard time due to the break-up. she's there for me and helped me to overcome this hard feeling. i know, beside me being blue cause of the relationship, she's feeling sad for me as well. i know she felt heartache cause of me being hurt. she knew i never show my weakness in front of my family. she knew i used to pretend and put on my mask while facing the others. that's why sometimes she'll just give me a hug and listen to my problem. til now, beside my current boyfriend, i think she's the only one i showed myself. still remember our first fight, it's because of her involvement in another relationship. i was angry, and was worried. angry cause she shouldn't, worried she might get hurt. however, it doesn't keep on long. the next year, we were closer. had tuition together at andrew choo tuition center. remembered those days we used to hang out at mc donald, amcorp mall and went out shopping together. wondering if her boyfriend ever curse me. *smile* i left school and transfer to another high school the year after. she often come over and stay over at my place. love to talk till late night and grabbing the blanket in the middle of the night. sometimes we tickled each other and pinched each other. to the others, we were really like sisters. we even pretend to be twin sister by lying a friend of ours. and he believed. *laughed* and also those days shopping with alvin. we've been through a lot. however, our story ended. it ended a year ago. i never thought it will end until it seriously happen. and there's no turn back. anyhow, i missed. and it will forever be in my memory.

Favourite Mistake

say out loud: you're my favourite mistake !

everyone make mistakes. sometimes i do think it's a mistake. but yet it is my favourite mistake. i don't mind having this mistake in my life.

was out walking that night before christmas eve having a sip of wine. enjoyed the silent night around the neighborhood but the company was the best. the night wasn't that cold. felt really good and happy walking around. the only thing is the sky wasn't clear. there were lots of cloud covering the night sky and hence i couldn't see any stars and the moon. however, i'm satisfied with what i had. went Couple Cinos early in the morning to have my breakfast. its been so long since i really had a nice breakfast. and i swear it was the best breakfast i ever had ever since I'm here. had their chocolate mocha freezocinos and mega breakky. mega breakky come with spinach, sausages, bacon, toast, scramble egg, mushrooms and tomatoes. healthy isn't it? it took me an hour to finish up. and went to safe way and bought cherry tomatoes, bananas, oranges and some groceries. bet daddy will be happy for me being such a healthy girl. laughed. after all, this Christmas eve wasn't bad. at least it starts off with a healthy way. *grin*

p.s my seaside house model's done. not fully due to reasons. but I'm sure I'll make it look nicer months by months.

i thought i would be having a lonely Christmas this year. used to be with my family enjoying this warmest day. but it's different this year. i was in Melbourne alone and they are back in Malaysia. what make it worst is my friends are all back in Malaysia. i couldn't believe i was alone in this day, the day i love the most. the feeling killing me and making me depress. i thought i would have a blue Christmas instead of the white one. but there was miracle. it was unexpected and it surprise me a lot. i appreciate so much and was seriously touched. Tearing when I'm showering. water dropping on me goes with my tears. hard to see if I'm crying anyway. but i seriously touched and appreciate the effort. at least, i still feel the warm in Christmas. at least, this surprise helping me to not disappoint in this day. it still keep me feeling Christmas is the happy and warmest day ever.

love & mistake

say out loud: love me tender, love me true

to make me fall in love ain't easy. but nevertheless, there's someone manage to work it out on me. loving me true is the way, i think. i can't seem to work well enough. am now stuck in a situation. it's a dilemma. the difference between mine and claude is that my dilemma is on relationship. making a choice is not as easy as i thought it would be. what will you choose if you're at the junction and there's two road in front of you? the first one is the one that love you crazily and willing to give everything just to keep you by side but you only touched and not in love with him. the second one is the one that you love so much and willing to give out and not faking and he loves you but not as much as the first one. which one will you pick? what make things worst is, i can't make the rational one. making the decision base on my feelings seems to be irrational but i think that's how it's going to work. most people advise me to pick the first one because it's easier to have someone loving you more than you love him, so you won't get hurt. but, what if i'm willing to take the risk of getting hurt? life is full of risk. and i'm one of the adventurous risk taker in almost each and every aspect. in love, there will be no way to be not hurt. not even with the one that you love the most or he love you the most. well, maybe the risk i'm taking is not foreseen and high risk but that's my choice and i know i won't forget or regret it. that's something extra too. i never do this. i never really take love serious like this ever since my first love. there's some kind of thoughts in my mind telling me whenever i'm being serious in love, end up i'll be the one who hurt so badly. however, this one i'm willing to be serious, willing to take the risk, willing to fight the fate i thought these years. i'm not sure if it will work the way i want it to be. but at least i tried my best, i give out what i could. i'll do what i suppose to do, and some i'm not suppose to, but if end of the day it still doesn't work, nothing much i can do anymore.

was closer to yuxi these days. we had a few talk that seriously make me think more mature. about my studies, friends, family and love as well. she's right, after years when you look back to your past, sometimes you might find it funny and laugh at yourself about those childish action and thoughts you did. we learn things through mistakes. some mistakes lead us to perfection, although we'll never be perfect, but at least not to be so imperfect. i'd learn through mistakes. from studies to love. the biggest mistake i've ever done is not putting any effort in studies during my junior high school. i remembered those days i used to be so rebel and it disappoint my parents much. did i ever mention my dad? he's a great guy, a great husband. and like what i always say, he's my super dad. he never punish me physically, always the verbal one. even thou he was so upset with me. still remember that morning when he drove me to school, he was scolding till i saw tears falling out from his eye socket. when arrived, before i stepped out from the car, he was so angry at me cause of of rudeness and raised his hand. i thought, that's it, my dad's going to slap me. but when i open my eyes, he stopped and asked me to get out from the car. i started crying all the way. can you feel how i felt? my dad, love me so much. even i've done something wrong, even though he's really angry and upset, he still control himself and not slapping me. after that incident, i have a 100% turn over. i'm not rebel anymore. well, at least not to my parents. and i started to pick up my books. however, this mistake i've done i never regret. if it wasn't happen, i would never realized the love from my dad. this mistake wasn't a bad one after all. at least, i learn something from it.

To Answer or Not

say out loud: i've done all i could to pull you out of it,but you choose to live in,
i support, cause that's the only thing i can do.

everyone believes what they believes. although it might seems to be wrong, but sometimes we still choose to trust it. the truth can be cruel but at least before you know the truth, you're giving yourself a hope that pull you out from reality. loving someone you never expect him to hurt you, and when he actually hurting you, what will you do? don't answer this rhetorical question. no one has the right to point at the other saying they are too stubborn or stupid to be in love. cause when it comes to love, we're all a learner. someone told me, thinking rationally is way important than following what you're feeling at the moment. i nodded. but when it involve love, its totally different. in love, we can hardly think rationally. we do stuff base on our feelings. however, i learn something different. i think what is best for the both of us as well. i can't and i won't defend that i love him. it's no wrong to love someone even though you know how much it doesn't worth it. but the way of loving is still holding by myself. reasons for me to stay are important. "i love him", cannot be the only reason for me to hold on a relationship. respect and giving out are factors for me to stay. i respect his decision. not that i don't love myself enough, but i like giving out. i understand and i believe, what's given out will be returning. maybe not in the same form, maybe not right at the moment, but i truly trust that it will be returning. furthermore, i seriously don't mind how much i give out, i don't mind how hard it is to maintain the love. all i need from you are you to affirm that i'm doing the right thing for love. until the day you told me you don't need my love, or till the day your eyes told me you don't need me, i'll stand up and leave with my everything except for our memories. our memories with love will never fade, i know that well. and i'm confidence that no one would have love you th way i do. that's my favorite line. i never regret on every single relationship i had. i understand and i believe no one would love them the way i do. too bad you don't have me around anymore, to the past. now, there's this guy having me, the whole and loving Sylvia all by himself. sorry to be unfair cause i never give my everything to anyone before, but this time, although it is still unstable, but i'm willing to take the risk, willing to give out and wait for the return. 'people' have told me to leave so that i won't get hurt. but what if i'm ready to get hurt? i'm willing to take the risk of being hurt. i'm ready to fight with fate and prove that he's wrong and i won't get hurt. yes, i'm strong. i'm mentally and spiritually stronger than anyone. however, that strength came from a source called love.

Directed to Claudia

say out loud: no one has the right to blame on you,

especially when it comes to love

this post is for a friend of mine, Claudia. she was off with her love for a couple of weeks but like what expected and foreseeable, they are back together. she has been worrying that her friends, that include me would angry for her decision. however, i'm not sure about others but to me, i'm not angry but speechless. i can see that she's putting a lot of hard work to overcome the break up in the past few days. we thought she might be able to get rid of Kenny and move on with her brand new life. although it's predictable the breaking up won't be long. speechless, that's the only word that perfectly describe my feelings when she told me their back together. nevertheless, as a friend, all i could do is to wish her luck. not saying that Kenny is not a good guy but he's selfish. *i'm sorry if this offended you*. is not that you don't know how to love, but you never improve yourself loving her. in a relationship, both are responsible for it. both need to be tolerate, and learn how to love together. it's pointless to see one side putting so much effort and the other one enjoy taking but not bother giving. we sometimes say "if you love someone, love her/his everything, good and bad." asking you to change your weakness is not because she doesn't love you enough. only the one who love you will point out your weakness, only the one who care you feel bad and angry with you. same goes to Claudia. your friends love you, that's why we feel sad, feel bad, feel disappointed. i won't give a damn whether you're hurt by him or not if i don't love you. you understand well. however, it's your choice to take him back. and to Kenny, it's your bonus to have such tolerate girlfriend. not appreciating her for so many times, and yet she still come back to you. how lucky you are. however, don't take things for granted. she can always stand up and step out. never look down on a girl resolution.

p.s giving the one who make mistake a second chance is something we should do. giving the one who make mistake the third time, you're stupid.

Hold Me Tight

say out loud: hold me tight when you're allowed to do so

have you ever love and lost somebody? wishing you were there to say "i'm sorry...". appreciate when you're having it or else it will put you in deep regrets. it might seems to be there all the time but it might disappear in a second. we never realize the importance when we have it. as usual, taking things for granted. ways of loving are always on a debate and it is always an unsolved argument. a friend of mine told me the way of her loving is to hold on no matter how and must not break apart. well, maybe that's her way of loving. how's yours? for me, i hold on my love to the best i could. but if i know that he doesn't need my love as much as he needs from another, i choose to let go. letting go is my way of loving in this situation. no matter how deep my love is, i got the courage to let go. i believe that's the best way to love him. pointless to hold on if you know he'd be better and happier leaving you. however, to let go needs a lot of courage and the pain is not what you can expect and predict. we can never predict the effects from love, just like we can never understand love.

A Bad Dream

say out loud: everyone dreams, sometimes it just turn out to be so bad
till you can't even feel a thing.

i had a dream. i was flying with an invisible wings all over the city and the country. trying to make a stop right next to you but i saw someone holding on your arm. quietly flying behind you i covered myself with invisible robe just like the one harry potter got it for Christmas. wishing you'll turn back and see me but you never. at last i die in the clouds as the sun burning my body and the truth killing my soul. yet, i couldn't defend myself that i love you. i woke up, knowing it was a dream. and apparently, it's a bad one. touching the emptiness next to me, feeling blue there is no one on my side. however, i can still smell you and i can still feel the body temperature you left on it. it keeps me to be conscious and fighting for my faith. guess i'm a bad fighter, i lost once or twice but i never give up. wouldn't mind it, if you're by my side.

Aku Bukan Untukmu ( I'm Not For You)

Dahulu kau mencintaiku
(before that, you used to love me)
Dahulu Kau menginginkanku
(before that, you used to want me)
Meskipun tak pernah ada jawabku
(although you never answer me)
Tak berniat kau tinggalkan aku
(you don't plan to leave me)

Sekarang kau pergi menjauh
(now you've gone so far)
Sekarang kau tinggalkan aku
(now you've leave me alone)
Disaat ku mulai mengharapkanmu
(from the moment i'm wishing for you)
Dan kumohon maafkan aku…
(and you said sorry to me...)

Aku menyesal telah membuatmu menangis
(i'm sorry for making you feeling blue)
Dan biarkan memilih yang lain….
(let it choose and flow by itself...)
tapi jangan pernah kau dustai takdirmu
(but never ever question your fate)
Pasti itu terbaik untukmu…
(it must be the best for you...)

Janganlah lagi kau mengingatku kembali…
(don't ever think that i'll be back...)
Aku bukanlah untukmu
(i'm not for you... )
Meski ku memohon dan meminta hatimu
(even if you request and beg for my heart to you)
Jangan Pernah tinggalkan dirinya
(don't just leave it)
Untuk diriku…
(for your own good...)

Afraid to stand to Lose

say out loud: standing to lose sometimes give you another chance to learn

i realized people often afraid to be at the disadvantage situation. there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. i understand people don't want to lose but over reacting on it might be a little wrong. i mean, if there's someone giving, there will be someone taking. same theory to put on this, when you're standing to lose, there's someone standing to gain. that's a rotation, i think. personally, i don't mind to stand to lose, but love prevail. we do learn something even when it seems like we're losing. i know it doesn't quite make sense but think about it, the one who gained doesn't mean he or she can view overall and take the experiences from it. nevertheless, it is really pointless to tell people not to be chicken when they are standing to lose. human are selfish. we can't help. no matter how great you seems to be, there's something inside or when it come to something you really care about, you'll be a definite selfish biatch. oops. to make it worst, even in love, in relationship.. people starts to afraid to be at the disadvantage position. counting or complaining how much is given and taken. oh my god~ hello! you love someone, you give in all you could rationally. why bothering what are you taking from the one you love? the most precious you took from him/her is your heart. isn't it great to have someone to love, having someone to miss, having someone you willing to give out your love and all you could? please don't put love on the analytical balance scales. love can't be calculate, can't be weight, can't be counted. if you have someone you're willing to give out all you could, do so with all your heart. do it when you can.

p.s i've not much time left. but i hope it's enough to love you

running away from reality

say out loud: it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt even if she doesn't show it

running away from reality is what a female will do when they don't want to accept the fact. don't blame us for not facing the truth. don't claim us stupid for not accepting the actuality. we done it to protect ourselves. it might sound foolish or unreasonable, but that's us. i'm not speaking for every single female in the world, there might be exception but generally you cannot deny that female protect themselves differently compare to the male. don't believe? check on your female friends. *wink* this can be obviously seen when it come to relationship, when it involves love between a man and a woman. when women know that her man has another woman out there, if is not to be caught right on spot, women normally kept it to themselves and wishing their man will finally feel the guilt and stop the 'second' relationship. sometimes, women just be tolerate cause they don't want to just end the relationship just like that. after working hard for the love, for the relationship, they just don't want to give it up easily. but it doesn't mean the man can continuously cheat on her. no matter how deep is the love, when she can't take the pain anymore, she'll stand up and step out. man with great confidence believe they can get her back in arm easily but they've made a huge mistake. when a broken heart fall into pieces, it will never be mend. it is alright to break her heart, but it isn't a right thing to do when smashing it and breaking it until it fell into pieces that couldn't be mend anymore. women protect themselves by pretending it never happen, lying themselves it's not true, telling themselves it is stupid to not believing their love one, even worst, helping their love to give themselves excuses. haven't you heard of it? when it comes to love, woman can think unquestionably by helping the man to look for excuses even if it's obvious that the man's wrong and absolutely has no excuse for it. sigh. believe or not, that often happen.

we're mentally stronger than the man. i agree the fact that man is strong and tough physically. but women can be really tough and brave when they want to. being on the powerlessness position is to pleased the man's pride and also to be loved. nevertheless, no matter how strong and tough a female is, she's still a women, she will be tired and she need protection. it is sad to be strong and tough for women, it indirectly means she doesn't have anyone to take over the tough & strong job. please don't do this to a woman. every woman needs love, care and protection. we want to be pampered. we want to be naughty. we want to be your precious.

trouble is part of life

say out loud: trouble is part of your life

trouble is part of my life. i have to admit i can be really clever on one thing but being extremely useless when it come to another one. look can be deceiving, that's true. people expected me to know a lot of things which i actually got no idea what it is. to make it worst, they want me to know it without thinking if i can cope with it. it is an admission to the fact that i'm troublesome. i bring troubles and sometimes i enjoy doing that. *wink* according to my friends, i'm befuddled most of the time. and often senseless. yet i can be really intellectual and smart at times. *confused* isn't that normal? i mean, there are lots of people with this kind of characteristic right? as an additional remark, only friends i trusted or hang out more can feel that difference of mine. and that only my lover and family can really see my childishness and stupidity.

love me, love my troublesomeness.

Trustworthy

quote of the day: the only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him

say out loud: i love it when you tell me that i'm yours

i'm not perfect. not a perfect daughter, not a perfect lover, not a perfect friend, even worst not a perfect stranger. these imperfections cause a lot of miracle and also misery. see? it contrast sharply with my imperfections. however, i'm happy to be imperfect. lucky me not being a virgo that stress on perfection. in my world, imperfect motivate ones to improve themselves in every aspect. i'm in the process of being a better daughter, a better lover, a better friend. being perfectionist are as easy as memorizing a text. but improving is more challenging and is harder. don't make sense? that's it! the whole point is.. be yourself. no one is perfect. enjoy being imperfect cause you will never be perfect.

cut the crap and back to trustworthy. i easily trust one. especially when i had eye contact with the person. to me, eyes never lie. but truth prove me wrong. what's wrong with people in these days? lies flying all around. and to make it worst, they can't be blame. certain lies are necessary. i emphasize on sincerity. a lot. but sometimes i just have to stand on the fence and act like i got no ideas of my own. i supported some of the lies and at the same time i personally dislike lie very much. see my contradiction? sigh. trust someone is easy. trust someone with heart and believing staunchly is harder.

Guys.. please realize this

do you realize that the girl holding on to you is perfect in their own special way?
the way she laughs..
the way she sleeps..
the way she looks at you..
the way she loves you..
the way she tries to please you..
even the way she cries for you..

but.. always remember that..

she can always get up and walk away, getting someone else who can love her more.

for all you know, there is someone out there wooing her already. but she is rejecting for you, rejecting a maybe perfect love for her. there might also be someone out there who is willing to love her more than you are loving her now, fulfill her every need and love her as much as she loves you.

please understand that.

imagine this,
when you are holding her today and then you cheat on her by hugging and kissing another girl. and then you run back to her and you do the same.. but you see love in her eyes..
what do you think?
do you feel the pain?
can you feel the guilt?

she loves you not because you're good looking, have money, buy her things, accompany her all the time.. she loves you for who you are. your every touch, every words you say, everything you do.

she is the only one who can love you that way.oh guys, cherish and appreciate your girl. don't break her fragile heart although she might look tough. you won't wanna regret letting go of that special girl you have. for everything she has done for you, the least you can do is to give her unconditional love as she has given to you with all her heart.

Bored NUmbers & answers

DO YOU KNOW WHAT WILL YOU DO IF YOU'RE BORED??
THIS ...

Instructions: Name 20 people you can think of at the top of your head. Don't read the questions before you write, and tag people to do the survey:


01. him
02. benon
03. ken
04. athena
05. claudia
06. billy
07. meng huei
08. alvin
09. alan
10. aeni
11. christine
12. sam
13. min ern
14. douglas
15. isa
16. kai young
17. zoe
18. kok fai
19. marcus
20. mo

Questions:
1. How did you meet number 14 (douglas) ?
junior high school.. *wink*

2. What would you do if you had never met Number 1 (him) ?
i wouldn't have change to be the current me.. *smile*

3. What would you do if 20 (MO) and 9 (Alan) dated you?
MO.. i'll have tons of fun.. Alan.. well.. he used to..

4. Would 6 (billy) and 17 (zoe) make a good couple?
it would be funny. but nahh.. they aren't good couple.

5. Describe Number 3 (ken) .
sensitive. funny. nice. gentle..

6. Do you think No.8 (alvin) is attractive?
hahaha.. he's cute !

7. Tell me something about No.7 (meng huei).
he asked me to marry him. no joke. im serious.

8. Do you know anything about no.12's (sam) family?
his family. funny. mom can cook very well. dad plays msn. younger bro chung is naughty and playful. sister carolyn is pretty and crazy. elder brother calvin is funny.

9. What is No.8's (alvin) favorite?
football and me!!

10. What would you do if 11 (christine) confesses that he/she likes you?
hahaha.. no.. she love me. wooops!

11. What language does 15 (isa) speak?
he can speak english really well. better than malay. *wink*

12. Who is 9 (alan) going out with?
his friends..

13. How old is 16 (kai young) now?
he's 18.. like me.

14. When was the last time u talked to 13(min ern) ?
two months ago.

15. Who's 2's (benon) favorite singer?
lots.. i suppose

16. Would you date number 4(athena)?
haha.. why not? a date to shop?

17. Would you date 7 (meng huei) ?
well.. maybe.. hmmm..

18. Is 15 (isa) single?
i think so..

19. What's 10's(ken) full name?
aeni rohayu

20. Would you ever consider being in a relationship with 11(christine)?
hahha.. nopeee..

21. What school does 3 (ken) go to?
taylors. going to be RMIT !!!!

22. Where does 6 (billy) live?
OUG..

23. What's your favorite thing about number 5 (christine) ?
her laughters.

24. Who's 18 (kok fai) to you?
my friend.. my ex-lover.. my brother!!

intrude my life

imagination is the beginning of creation. but sometimes, imagination is the end of a wish. we often imagine something good to happen, or imagining some luck fall on us. somehow, i imagine adversity falls on me. weird isn't it? but that's another fact about me. i think of the good one, and not forgetting the bad one. we wouldn't know what is good if we don't know the bad. we wouldn't know what is happy if we don't know what's sad. is just like, you won't feel the love if you never been in love. doesn't make sense? whatever. our world ain't perfect. it is not necessary that every question have an answer. sometimes is just better leave it unanswered.

sometimes i live in my own world. hiding from the reality, hiding from the outside world. don't intrude my life if you don't care. we tried so hard to create a world of our own, is unfair if someone just come by and knock it down. but in reality, this always happen. stand up for your life, no one has the right to overstep it. however, in my life it's different. i got myself two different life. a world of my own with layers of protection and a world of mine with people i care. how to differentiate it? easy. the world of my own with layers of protection, only people i love the most are allowed. now, only one is in it. the world of mine with people i care includes my family, my friends, animals and stuff i care. however, is not that easy to fit in this world as well. say i'm picky, tell me i'm troublesome. to be someone i care, ain't easy. i don't often care or concern to those who treat me like shit and those who don't respect me. once i decided not to care for that person, i'm sorry but i'm out of this shit and he or she or it will no longer been able to step into the world of mine. tell me i'm unreasonable. that's just me.

not the same anymore

if someone request a general idea about me on a paper, what words and sentence will fill this empty paper? maybe some of you can write a three thousand words or more on it. but most of you less than that. isn't it sad? not much people understand me, not even my friends. perhaps, my family as well. challenging, mysterious, vivacious, sober, rational are words describes me most. i agreed. most of the time you can delineate me using these words. challenging, because I'm a risk taker in almost every aspects. mysterious, i just don't manifest much to others. vivacious, i hardly pulled down by anything. sober, i can control my emotion pretty well. rational, keeps me alert and sometimes take over my emotional nerves. however, things are not the same anymore. i used to be a risk taker bravely, but now i am afraid of the risk. my current fear would be the risk of losing someone i really <3. i am still mysterious for most of them but there is someone out there visible me inside out. i was happy all time and no one see my tears but my tears falling out uncontrollable when i am breaking off myself. i can control my emotion pretty well before, but i lost control and being emotion now. sometimes, i just can't think of anything rationally but following the flow of my feelings. is that a good change? i don't know. in some way, maybe. it is like telling me i am not alone in the world, i don't need to be perfectly positive. i am human, even worst, i am a girl. i got a concession to be the weak party. no matter how much effort i put on creating a mask to protect myself, there will be someone out there to tear it off.

what i wanna say

another 56days left, and I'll be turning nineteen. say good-bye (English), au revoir (French), arrivederci (Italian), さようなら (Japanese), adiós (Spanish), 再見 (Chinese) to the eighteen years old Sylvia. i spend half of my time in Malaysia, and half of it here in Melbourne. tons of memories flashed in just like that *snap*. my eighteen birthday bash at a club with djs and vjs like May & Choy. it was the eighteen years old birthday party i'd dream of; alcohols, good music, dance floor, celebrities, family and friends. then, my 3 months a-level studies at help with a bunch of friends like Claudia, Billy, Kelly, Chingy, Kevan, E ling, Shafeeq, Aznal, Kim, ray and others. hanging out with them at Midvalley, OU, Bangsar with my sexy jazz. still remember on valentine's day, we tied red & pink balloon at the windows of my car, driving around, showing off. i miss them. after that, i started working part time at my dad's company. learn a lot, but the most important thing is i get to share my parents workload and understand their pressure. few days before my dad's birthday, i left Malaysia, left my home country, left my family & friends and departed at Melbourne airport. thank god Sam and Zoe picked me up, give me no time feeling lost. first time traveling alone, i don't like it at all. i can still feel the loneliness. airport, a place where people meet; a place where people apart. that's what i felt. now, i have people like him, Ken, Athena, Zoe, Sam, Aeni, Chris, Young, Jacq, Joyce, Andy and others. lucky me, fit in very well. no heavy homesick. i still miss them, i still cry at night calling their names. but not as serious as tough depression or culture shocked. however, i got this strong characteristic or you can call it personalities to keep me tough and courage me to move on cheerfully. that's just so me. i mean, i tried not to show my weakness or softness in public, that is like breaking off my protection mask. hence, sometimes i feel tired and locked myself in my world so nobody can see me or feel me. like I'm invisible. hiding at a corner clearing up my mind & my soul. nevertheless, i got someone there supporting me, giving the care and secure i want, cherished me, be there when i need to be protect. don't ask if I'm not telling why am i crying, hug me tight, kiss me softly. that's the best way to keep me warm and bring me back to the reality that I'm escaping from. i might not tell you now, but I'm going to tell you when i can take it.

Torn

this song is dedicated to my friend, *joanne*.
torn by letoya luckett

a part of me wants to leave you alone
a part of me wants for you to come home
a part of me says i'm living a lie
(and i'm better off without you)
a part of me says to think it through
a part of me says i'm over you
a part of me wants to say goodbye
a part of me is asking why

a part of me wants to leave
but a part of me wants to be here with you
and every time i think we're over & done
you do something that gets me back loving you
and you just got me torn

torn in between the two
cause i really wanna be with you
but something is telling me that i should leave
leave you alone

what hurts the most is when we started out
it was cool it was everything that love's about
but something happened
cause i'm feeling so burned out
because i can't understand you now

a part of me says its all my fault
a part of me says he ain't what you want
a part of me says to get my bags
a part of me says i can't do that

so many times, i was ready to go
so many times, i had my foot out the door
so many times, i thought to give him a chance
thought he'd be a better man
now i'm sitting here and i'm so confused
cause i keep fighting myself for you
i don't know how much more can i take
but i can't feel this way
you got me so torn

St Kilda Beach

my very first visit to st kilda beach. walking along with the sea breeze make me feel so good. sorrow and unhappiness washed away by the sea wind; relaxation and unrestrained left behind. randomly wanted to go to the beach after lou's class. surprisingly, i got what i want. satisfied and happy. i do appreciate this opportunity. love hanging around, and love being around. footprints are what i want to leave behind everywhere i've been. my life seems to be simple but it's definitely a comfortable and happy one. i mean, i don't ask for more, i appreciate what i'm having.

平淡的幸福

喜歡現在的生活..
am satisfy with my current life..
平淡卻感覺到幸福..
looks ordinary but the feeling of happiness surrounded..
不開心的事, 睡一覺醒來就能夠放的下..
unhappiness can be forget after a sleep..
生氣的事, 深深地吸一口氣就能不在意..
anger can be appease just like this *snap*..
而快樂的事, 讓嘴角泛起微笑..
happiness shown when i couldn't stop smiling..
就連惡夢也變得不可怕了..
even bad dreams seems to be fearless..


有時候 忘了該怎麼任性
sometimes, forgotten how to be capricious
有時候 忘了該如何撒嬌
sometimes, forgotten how to act like a spoiled child
只因為 不想成為另一個 野蠻女友
don't want to be another awful girlfriend, that's the reason of forgetting..
可惜的是.. 我卻沒忘了 去依賴一個人
sadly, i did not forget to depend on someone

Being Cool

being cool is just like being yourself. having sense of individuality, confidence, style and intelligence made up a cool and unique personality. that's what i think. but who in the world know what being cool truly means? different people with different judgment on coolness. cool can mean so many different things to so many people. for example: if you're a true blue Christian, being a virgin is cool. but if you're within a high school environment surrounded by a lot of peer pressure, it's uncool to be a virgin.

Why Do They Cheat ?

why do they cheat on their so-called love one?

sound familiar to you isn't it. it happens all the time. your friends or even you yourself might be involving in it as well. i'm not bias. both guys and girls cheated on someone and get cheated by someone. is that a trend or what? tell me about it.

i don't know how to express my feelings toward this. but, is being unfaithful wrong? there's no exact answer i think. although some people might think i'm crazy but sometimes i felt the pain for those unfaithful one. a number of them being unfaithful cause they never fall in love to the one, if they love, their heart wouldn't have extra space for second lover. i feel sad for them, for not falling in love, for not having someone to protect, to care, to make sure he or she is doing well, being happy. a number of them being unfaithful, cause they easily fall in feelings. it is not love who's fooling around but feelings. those feelings making the person confuse and without noticing, he or she is cheating on, being unfaithful to their relationship. they got too much feelings and they don't know how to deal with it. sometimes is not about attracting other people, is about responding. giving the wrong signal causing a lot of unnecessary issue. i feel the pain for them, they are so busy handling different type of people that might giving the real love of theirs. but is the person really in love with any of them? all i can say is he or she never thought of it. they are too busy to think which one really worth loving cause they always responding different love.

how can i not sad about it? sigh. love, we'll never know the exact reason and meaning of love. therefore, everyone of us trying so hard to look for it, to feel it, to have it.

LOST someone?

[ i never lost you. how can i lost someone i never had? ]
classic phrase, isn't it? watched 'how to lose a guy in 10 days' again, with aeni. i just so love this phrase by kate hudson. it's so true. how can you lose someone if you don't even have him/her? i mean. he/she's never yours, so there's no lost. anyway, it's really a sad one to know that you never had him/her.

enjoyed today's english class with lou. she showed us videos about weddings. somewhere on earth, there's an activity going on called the bride kidnapping. can you believe it? i have this fellow feeling when i was watching it in class. in that village, the guy just kidnapped the girl they like and forced her to marry him. and 1/3 female in that village are involved in this bride kidnapping. it's so unfair to them. i know nothing is perfectly fair but at least i never thought of bride kidnapping. she got the right to choose her love and marry the one she love. instead, she is risking by marrying a guy she doesn't has the love for cause she was kidnapped. what the hell?! what's wrong with the guy over there? no offense but i think it's so not right. after the videos, we did our presentation. christine, dennis and sofia did the marijuana legalization thing. me and roy did the tradition wedding one and followed by another videos about the indian tradition wedding. nothing much going on after that. i just have lots of thoughts after knowing the bride kidnapping issue.

To Kei Kei

To Kei Kei:

this post is specially to Kei Kei. although it happens to be her problem but i'm pretty sure there's a lot of people facing the almost same situation like she is. hence, maybe the others can just have a look as well. i've heard a story. there's a girl in town fall in love with one of her friends. the girl does everything by hoping the guy might return with love as well. however, the guy doesn't appreciate and hurt the girl in many ways. everyone around advice the girl to give up waiting for this unfaithful playboy. the girl tried but failed and is suffering in this situation. i briefly telling the situation but does it sound familiar to you? i think so. should the girl let go the feeling and love she put on the guy? we don't know. only the person who's feeling it can make the decision. we got no right to say stop loving for the others. in theory, it's not worth it to fall for someone who treat your really bad and worst, a player. but put it in practical, you cannot help. there's no worth or not when you really love someone. you'll just fall for it, even though you know he might be a player, or is a player. everything in this world are like that, contradiction. however, good luck in it.

How To Lose

topic of the day: how to lose a guy in 10days.

maybe not everyone watched this movie before, but this movie is in my top 10 favorite since it's shown on the screen. the movie is about the young and pretty and Kate Hudson who is a columnist for trendy magazine agrees to write a first-hand account about what it takes to drive a man out of your life in 10days. at the same time, eligible advertisement agency bachelor starred by McConaughey accepts a high-stakes bet that he can lure any woman into falling head-over-heels in love with him in 10days. the resulting romantic head-on collision ignites a series of deliriously comic deceptions that prove when it comes to true love, your heart cannot tell a lie.

i was wondering, no.. not was.. i'm still confusing. how can someone so sure about falling in love in 10days or drive a man out of your life in 10days. it is not just a love game. falling in love need times, it need true feelings, it need real and sincere communication and interaction as well. while watching this movie, it makes me think a lot. seeing how kate hudson trying to do to drive mcconaughey remind me of stuff we as a girl did that drive the guys crazy and scare them away. sometimes we just didn't realize. and guys out there! please.. please don't try to put a bet on girls. it hurt us so much. it's even worst than telling us you won't fall in love with us.

p.s if you haven't watch this. please watch it! ask me if you wanna borrow mine.

A little On it

it's been quite some times since i blog about my life in Melbourne. most of my post are something to do with my feelings, my thoughts, my opinion. it's the fifth months staying here as an international students. seems to be a short period but i've seriously learn a lot throughout this five months of independence. i'm lucky enough to have people like sam, ken, zoe, caleen and others. i might not look like a appreciate, instead i look like i don't give a damn but thank you so much people. especially sam. i never thought of us being so close, as a friend. before this, i'm still wondering if we can only be friends but now, i'm confirmed and assure that we are friends. we can laughed everything together. about the food, about others, gossip together and even laughing about our past. that proven the friendship bond is going strong. as in ken, he's the first guy i met in melbourne through sam. a really nice person that got his own view on things and is the second person i know that's going to study architecture. his girlfriend, athena is studying and apparently, is a really smart and hardworking girl. zoe my used-to-be god sister is another one helping me a lot. i don't think i can fit in the environment so soon without these people around me. of course there are others like my classmate and some people i met. and i'm proud of myself. i'm proud to tell those who know me i'm different compared to before and it is something good.

it's november. summer is starting soon i guess. i'm sorry but i still don't get the whole seasons thing right. but the weather is driving me crazy. this minute of sunshine with heat, the next one come with windy and cloudy. well, like what others had been telling me, melbourne's weather are unpredictable. second semester of my foundation studies and i'm being really lazy. well, not exactly. i'm not hardworking anyway. i was in the debate team. unbelievable? gotcha'. i was in it and we lost in the second round or we call it the quarterfinal. first round versus the science class and it was unexpected that we did pretty well. however, the quarterfinal with media communication student, we screwed up. they aren't that good but they were prepared. unlike us, we did all the research like an hour before. that's a lesson for us. anyhow, the debate team formed by me, christine and dennis learn a lot throughout the whole debating thing. and i'm impressed that we actually can react on spot and argue in a more professional way.

love

love is a very fragile yet strong emotion that is capable of changing a person's notion and point of view on everything. like what I've always reminding myself and some of my friends, love is not complex but it ain't simple at all. it might sound a little senseless but if you think twice, you might agree with it. always thought love involve two person. but certainly, I'm wrong. it can be involving only an individual or more than two person. depends on how you look at it. we spend so many years learning how to love, pursuing greatest love, preparing to be love; at the same time, we should also learn how to deal with pain, overcome the broken relationship, make it a little sensible, prepare to be hurt. correct me if I'm wrong. the experience of love is unique and different for every person, and using that feeling to measure the potential success of a relationship is sometime prejudiced. and my question is, is love important to you? i'm afraid to say, it is, to me. not thinking about love between a male and a female in advance, i include family love, animal love and compassion love as well. particularly noteworthy is the love between a man and a woman. the chemical reaction in between that you probably only can feel it when you're in love with this person. clearly is not your family, not animal, not non-living things, not just a passerby. i don't know how to explain the feeling, but you will know when you meet someone like this. someone you willing to give what is necessary for him, someone you don't mind giving yet don't care what you get in return. why i say willing to give what is necessary? thinking about giving all and everything, it might sound mighty, but in other way, it might become a burden, some sort of pressure to the one you love. why giving him such dispensable pressure?

Because I'm A Girl

am i not supposed to have an opinion or personal point of view? should i just be quiet because I'm a female? call me a bitch cause i speak what's on my mind freely and emotionally. guess it's easier for you to swallow if i sat and smiled like a Barbie doll who know nothing but vanity. all my girls who's reading this and who've come across a man who don't respect your worth. what do we need to do girls? shout louder! speak for yourself! letting the others know we're going to stand our ground, lift our hands high and wave them proudly. take a deep breath and say it loud [ never can, never will, can't hold us down ]. just because we're girls doesn't mean we're weak. we can stand strong and stand proud if we want. however, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt us when you guys done something stupid. if you people look back in history, it's a common double standard of society. the guy gets all the glory the more he can score, but while the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore. what the hell? if status of female are so low why do you even want to marry her? and don't forget, one of your parents are female. *sorry if it's offending*. check this, i just don't get it. if the guy have three girls then he's the man, unfaithful man. but if the girl do the same, then she's a whore. does it make sense to you? i don't think so. to those girls with a man who be trying to mack, do it right back to him and let that be that, you need to let him know that his game is a whack. hey man, you're just a little boy fooling and messing around with girls. think you're so cute, so coy, you must talk so big, to make up for small little things. you just don't get it don't you? you're lucky cause your girl let you to be. but you'll never know. we, as girls stand stronger and have strong characteristic. don't try to be funny.

[I'm lucky enough cause you respect me and listen to me. I'm lucky enough cause you know what would hurt me and trying not to do so. I'm lucky enough cause you know I'm tough and strong but I'm fragile and will be broken down. I'm lucky enough cause you respect my thoughts and let me share yours. I'm lucky enough, just to have you.]

p.s part of it, took it from lyrics of can't hold you down.

girls night out

Happy Birthday to my darling Claude !

it's early in the morning, and I'm still not under the blanket or on my bed. not even close to getting off and sleep. been working on the English assignment once i got home from Madison. yes~ naughty me, i went out with my girls. it's a girls night out at Madison with MO, Kiki, Tee, Aeni, Sofie, Christine and the black chick which i forgot her name. and they can really dance all the way down and up, shaking their booty like someone just switch on the button on their butt. *laugh* wasn't going out with them till i received Mo's message and it was so sweet. the sweetest thing ever. how could i resist? end up, we had a great night out there. my silent had been too long, according to them. and i didn't even get tipsy! that's another surprise. usually i got tipsy when i club, which is long time ago. but i know someone just doesn't like and not only because of him but i made an effort not to be drunk. have to keep myself alert in club. got pinch by few stranger while passing by. and a black dude just pull my hand and trying to pull me away from the girls. woah~ scares me. hello, I'm out to enjoy with my girls, not to check out on guys. they just can't turn me on, shit. however, i left earlier, around 3 in the morning. seriously have to start my assignment. all sort of assignments. wanted a hug so badly when i was walking home, is like suddenly feeling so empty. too bad you couldn't make it. but i understand well. don't i? yes. I'm different from the others. I'm independence, and i love in other way which is not selfish but giving enough space and freedom. hopefully, you don't get wrong. *smile* anyhow, i know what am i suppose to do.
some pictures for eyes candy:

p.s to who it may concern, please don't tell me to love you. my heart is not with me anymore, it left me few months ago. sorry. loving you or not, you should ask permission from my heart, to see if it willing to left me for you. *wink*

p.s to you. thinking you is easy, i do it all the time. but missing you is heart breaking, thus, I'm breaking all the time. and, I'm enjoy doing both.

Until I Get Over

Until I Get Over
woke up today thinking of you
another night that i made my way through
so many dreams still left in my mind
but they can never come true
i press rewind and remember when
i close my eyes and i'm with you again
but in the end i can still feel the pain
everytime i hear your name

the sun won't shine since you went away
seems like the rain's falling every day
there's just on heart, where there once was two
but that's the way it's gotta be
until i get over you

walk through the park in the evening
i heard a voice and thought you were there
i run away but i just can't escape
memories of you everywhere
they said that time will dry the tears
but true love burns for a thousand years
give my tomorrow for ones yesterday
just to know that i could have you here

when will this river of tears stop falling
where can i run so i won't feel alone
can't walk away when the pain keeps calling
i've just gotta take it from here on my own
but it's so hard to let go

when ciggy in love with fire

香箊愛上了火才註定被傷害
cigarette is doomed to be hurt,
ever since it fall in love with fire

每次與火的接觸﹐便是焚身的結束
every intimate moment with fire, is the ending of it's life

就像接近月亮的星星﹐化成流星燃燒墜落
just like whenever stars are being close with moon,
it turns into meteor,burns and fell.

老鼠對貓說 [我愛你]
[i love you] said the mouse to the cat

貓斷然說 [你走開]
[get off and go away!] the cat decidedly chased.

老鼠黯然離去 ﹐
the mouse left sadly,

可是那時誰也沒留意到貓在流淚
at that moment, nobody notice tears drop from the cat's eyes

誰說愛一定是雙面?
who told that love works both way?

香箊的愛﹐是單方。
cigaratte's love, is one side.

誰說愛一定要表態?
who said love have to be shown?

貓知道﹐與老鼠的愛﹐是天地不容
the cat knew, love with the mouse, is unusual

即使深愛對方﹐狠心的拒絕﹐
although deeply in love, rejected cruel-heartedly

或許是另一種愛的方式。
maybe it's another way of loving.

'peach blossom'

ever heard of 'peach blossom'? if you're a Chinese or you understand mandarin (include Cantonese), you will be clear what am i talking about. i don't know what it is to be called in other language but 'peach blossom' means different in our Chinese world. botanically, 'peach blossom'. it is believed in feng shui that it brings luck romance and social life. however, the potential drawback is that these romances often run out to be fragile and short-lived, just like the plant itself.

'peach blossom debt' is what we called in Chinese to represent a person involving different and lots of unclear relationship. it seems to be a good thing to attract the opposite genders, but it is always attracting those short-lived, undeep relationship. even worst, there are high chances to be interrupt by third party. debt means what we owe. 'peach blossom debt' certainly means owing some romance. in Chinese, we believed in karma. thus, we trust that this kind of debts are from our previous life. we owe these people something, therefore in this life, they are here to get return. no matter you like it or not, 'peach blossom debt' is not really a love, it is more to returning what you've owed. and it hurts both party, or even more.

'peach blossom node' is another hurtful thing. it seems to be really cool to attract the opposite gender. but what if the one you attracted is an illusion. 'peach blossom node' is not a good thing. in karma, we believed a person has to go through 'peach blossom node' to test their character and attitude towards love. and to see how they react. furthermore, 'peach blossom node' is attracted in the current life, not previous. thus, it can be avoided.

桃花債要還
'peach blossom debts' need to be return
桃花結要擋
'peach blossom node' need to be avoided

命中註定
this is doomed
就算傷痕累累
even if is hurt and suffering
也不會軟弱屈服
will not succumb weakly

do you still remember?

wondering if you still remember there is a girl always sitting next to the window, holding her pen, writing on pad. that girl is back on town. used to write stories, used to write some catchy sentences, used to write some thoughtful piece of writing. still keep that work up, but without inspiration i couldn't write something good. however, it is coming back. my emotion, sensation, inspiration and figurative are coming back to me. starting to write a short story called 'ocean moon'. it is not just a romancing tale but a wakening and touching piece of work.

women are incapable

friends of mine are wondering if i'm losing subject matter to blog in my blog. maybe they are right cause nowadays i don't blog everyday reporting my life. it is possible i'm losing subject matter to post but it is not about blogging everyday. i don't really 'report' my life anymore. daily routine do not need to be posted everyday, i can just copy and paste it each day. however, there are lots of memories in between which i want to keep it to myself. so, instead of blogging my life, i put it more inspiration and sensation. more to my thoughts.

i started to veer towards how women are incapable of having sex with men without developing any emotional attachment. according to some research, women's bodies some kinda hormones after having sex which makes them emotionally more vulnerable to the person they slept with. it is totally a biological answer. having sex with people you got no feelings *as in love* for, we called it fucking; but a couple with great passion of love having sex, we called it making love. make sense? yes. certainly works on me. i don't go for fucking, i'm more to making love. i mean, who the hell want fucking more than making love? do u? *laugh* however, it is just a subject matter for today. no offence.

i am who i am

quote of the day: god has given you one face, and you make yourself another by william shakespeare

isn't it meaningful? my quote of the day by shakespeare. decided to put on quote of the day *if possible*, influence by eeleen but she's more professional. i'm not that religious but i do believe there's god and i believe karma as well. not sure if we are made by god but maybe there is some relation between human and deity. god has given us one face, it can be a common one which you can see everyday. but we make ourselves another. maybe better, maybe not. we don't know which 'face' suits us the most, hence, we're trying hard to find the real 'face' of ours. thus, there is someone with two-faces. maybe it isn't their fault, maybe it is meant to be.

Promises

quote of the day: promises are like babies~ easy to make, hard to deliver

people who make promises and kept them earning my respect and liking. it is way easier to make a promise than to keep an easy one. promises come in different form and different level. even common sentences we speaks like " i will give you a call ", " lets go together ", " ok ", can be a promise. not trying to make it complicated but it seriously represent a type of promises. no harm for not keeping this type of promises but it impress and put a smile on the others if we keep it. everyone like promises, but everyone love it more if it is to put into practice. however, there are some promises that are meant to be break after a certain time, we called it the periodic promises, i.e. " i love you forever ", " would you be my girlfriend/boyfriend?". they are promises that everyone might have a chance to break it even the person hate empty promise so much. is it forgivable? perhaps. nothing is absolute.

p.s~ happy birthday to vivian !

Love is Like a Karma

quote of the day : love is like a karma

love is like a karma. agree, or not? i couldn't give an answer to this so-called question. or maybe it is just a question that suppose to be left unanswered. what you give is what you receive does work in love but not always. if we're to haggle over every ounce we give out for love, that seems like we're buying or it's an investment of ours. it is true that what u give out in love is what you will be receiving, to be frank and positive, sometimes it works. however, nothing is forever. we're still trying hard to make it endless. at least, let the spirit of love to be forever, to be endless, to have the infinity life time.


p.s ~ happy birthday to alan !

To Be or Not To Be

"to be or not to be, that's a question. " it's a famous quote by Shakespeare which i still don't get it. however, that's not my point anyway, so just leave it. as for me, i think the most i've been saying to my friends is " expect the unexpected ". i don't know why and i don't care if people agree with it. it's just what i've been trying to advice my friends when they seems like expecting too much and end up disappointing. this is my corner, but i realize it's not somewhere i can tell everything. maybe like what he and she said, i'm mysterious. am i? maybe, maybe not. not trying to be someone who i'm not. like what others said, i rather you hate me for being who i am than loving me for being who i'm not. classic, isn't it? if telling the truth is wrong, what am i suppose to do? right, pretty obvious. the only thing i could do is to keep myself away from it. however, i'm always standing on the border of right and wrong, love and hate,good and bad. there's no exact answer for everything. sometimes, things remain unsettled; questions, unanswered; life will never be complete till the day you left the world.

would you be happier?

someone asked me, if i would be happier. i don't reallly know how to answer this. i would be happier if you are by my side, i feel secure and love. but to not sound like a greedy b*tch, i have to say i'm happier than before. i'm way happier than before. nobody should live for another, but at times we live for others. won't know and couldn't predict what is going on next but for now, right at this point, i know my value of living. it feels good to be needed and to be loved. in different form like family, friends, lover.

To Content Me

i'm not joking or trying to make it look simple, but it is really easy and simple to content me. you don't need to buy me diamonds or some expensive things to please me. a simple unique thing will bring up my cheers. you don't need to bring me to this 5 stars classy restaurant for dinner. all you need is to bring me to a place where not much people know about it, a place where i show myself, as in the real me. you don't need to crack your head to think of something to say. simple conversation with a deep eyes contact worth better than a thousand planned sweet talk. you don't need to worry about the cash you are going to spend. i'm not that kind of girl that want you to spend everything on me. you don't need to explain to me when you're out with your friend. cause i understand friends are important at times. you don't need to worry about me getting piss for nothing. i angry for a reason and seldom show it. i can easily be content. i can easily feel the happiness.

so, are you ready to handle me? if you do, handle me with care and love. *wink*
i'm fragile even though i look like i'm bullet-proof glass.

Girls Cry For Reasons

some guys couldn't resist when girls cry. some guys just hate it when girls cry. some guys thought girls cry just to seek for their attention, even worst some girls cry cause they want the attention. its true that some girls do cry for fun, as in they like the attention they got when they cry. to me, i don't cry often in front of my guy. well, i don't let my tears fall easily. my tears worth something! *smile* some girls just don't get it, crying is not a good arms to control or make a guy to fall for you. i don't know the others. but for me, i like to smile and bring happiness to my guy instead of showing him my sadness and cry for no valid reason. well, i will be emotion at times but i never use it as something to control. i still cry in front of him if i really couldn't stand it. tears fall from my eye socket for reason, and i know it has to be something real bad. guys, if your girl's crying, as in really crying, the only thing you need to do is to hug her tight and let her cry in your arm. some people might not realize it, but usually only guys could give this kind of secure feeling to a girl when they are really helpless and feeling empty. yet, there are lots of reason why girls cry. practically, i agree with girls are made out of water.

list of reasons:
.mad (i seldom mad, if i do, i sleep)
.sad (who doesn't, but i sleep more)
.nervous (panic but not crying)
.scared (feeling lost but not crying)
.alone *loneliness* (yes, i cried)
.missing someone badly (yes, my family in msia)
.pregnant (accident) (woahh~ )
.heart is broken (this is the one i cry crazily)
.in love (nahh~ be happy)
.souls have been torn (sobs..)
.met a boy they can't have (to feel sorry)
.fell in love with someone else (feeling sorry)
.hurt so bad inside (cry without tears)
.to touch (yess.. cry happily)

basically, there's only few reasons for me to cry. that's also why i say my tears worth and means a lot. i don't like to cry as i'm more to a cheerful person i guess. or maybe like what sam said, i'm being too tough. not that i want to be, but the unconscious slowly lead me there. although i seems to be strong and tough, deep down inside me, you know what i want. *you know who you are* hahaha~ whatever it is, bless me as a strong character. sigh. last but not least, i'm strong, i'm tough.. but doesn't mean i don't need you, i don't need care, i don't need love. fyi, people like me need more than what others thought. is just that my character and personality made me not requesting more and satisfying with what i have. it doesn't mean i don't need. *wink*

Not Just A Label

my love to you is not just a feeling. our love is not just a label. there are reasons but what motivate me is the willingness of mine giving out for you. i never think of what will i receive while giving out. and i just want to be there for you, giving all i can. i'm foolish. but you can't deny i love you more than anyone does.

Just Simply Happy

happiness, something everyone wishing for and working hard for it. however, not much people appreciate their happiness when they are having it. some even asking for more. is good to ask for more in some way, so that there's improvement but sometimes we just need to appreciate and satisfy with what we've got. we won't know what's going on or what's happening next, live your life to the fullest its what we always says but not much people actually put it in action. happiness come in different form. happiness can be in feelings, emotions or the whole situation thing. sometimes its just a short term happiness, some is a long one. actually, short or long is depending on the one that's feeling it. i felt the happiness ever since i know what i want. i'm happy that i have a clear mind on what am i doing or what i want. i'm happy that i can be satisfied easily, like just a phone call or just a hug. something that seems to be nothing actually mean something to me. also, put those unhappy emotions and feelings off as fast as i can is also one way of me getting my happiness back as soon as possible. i don't really like living in the blue. although i'm always in blue and falling in the dark hole. therefore, i don't want myself to be like that anymore. to those that bring happiness to me, thanks for pulling me away from it. i'm sorry if i look upset or being emo at times, but i'm working hard on it. at least, i'm trying not to be blue in the crowd. please forgive my tough and pretending to be strong genes, i'm just used to it. but you know, when i'm with you, i never want to cover myself with mask.

mask, you wondering? *smile* it seems to be a way of mine covering myself with a mask to protect myself. is it for self protection or i just simply don't want to show up the real me? well, both i guess. not trying to be mysterious but just don't want to open up for everyone. i'll take it off when i'm comfortable with you, sorry my friends. however, don't feel bad about it if i didn't. even my family haven't meet the soul of sylvia, the real sylvia yet. i'm half perfectionist i guessed. i'm showing my most positive side to the world instead of the negative one. sorry, but i just don't want you people to worried and be unhappy with me. i rather bring the happiness. however, there is only two person in my life that have seen the real me. why, you ask. i don't know how to explain but i seriously do feel comfortable and have faith on them.

Till It Happens

don't really know what is going on until it happens. feeling airy-fairy until you told me it is true and i can trust with all my heart. this post, totally different from the previous one which i mentioned Karma in it. this is more inspirational. whenever i doubt, i think of you. you've given me the power to overcome everything even it seems to go beyond my might. sometimes i might just kept it to myself but i seriously appreciate and thanks for doing that. thanks for giving me a reason to hold on my faith. hence, i'm transforming into another person. someone that willing to walk along the street with you and listen to your heart beat when you walk fast. someone that foolishly do whatever that bring happiness. someone who will always be there when you need. someone that strongly believe faith and hesitated her destiny. you, i'm referring to are the one i'm thinking right now.

Karma

Ever heard of KARMA? It generally taken as a term that comprises the whole cycle of cause and effect of ones life. Karma is a sum of all that an induvidual has done, currently doing and will be doing. Karma is not about retribution, vengeance, punishment or reward but it simply deals with what is. In religions that incorporate reincarnation, karma extends through one's present life and all past and future lives as well. It is simply the golden rule: what you give out is what you receive. Viewed mystically, how Karma functions may be experienced as a personal demons.

me

Friend were demanding me to tell more about me in my blog. I normally don't do it as I usually post what I felt. But this time is an exception, cause I couldn't resist her request. Anyhow, I don't know how to start it off, so I visited vivian's blog and got an idea. She got tagged from a friend, and I'll just use it as a guideline.

started with food as everyone needed it in life. I am cavil about anything related to my gustation. I do enjoy the Japanese food very much as I think it is healthy and fresh. Oh, I only eat the fresh and delicious Japanese food. Sue me! *laugh* basically, I like eating. Well, only the good one of course. Enjoyed having medium steak with black pepper sauce and sides with salads and baked potatoes. I'm not exactly a 'western' food eater. I love the Asian food as well. Just, make sure it taste good. As for ice-cream, I can't resist it. Ice-cream temptation kills my restrained. Especially roche, cherry ripe and durians flavored. Well, that's also why I'm gaining weight like a sow.

music is what we need. Yes! Need not want. We need music to comfort，console, suppress our tenseness, calm our emotions. I love music. Especially those with good melody and touches my sensation. And frankly speaking, I listen songs with mood. And those who represent my current situation.

here comes the sensitive part, my characteristic. Well, there's seriously no need for me to tell who I am or how I act. No point telling as no one believe if they don't know me. Some people said I'm tough and cool and calm and obstinacy. Some said I'm sensitive, emotion, clumsy, romantic, soft. That's totally different isn't it? But guess what? Both description are right. I'm like that. I won't show my weak side easily as it is fragile. Only those I love and trusted most will see that. so far, only 1 person ever see that. That's really close to my soul. Others will see my tough and strong character. I believes and I handle things very well. I kept my tears and it will only fall for someone I really care. I hate people betray me. Trust me! You can insult me, you can bite me, even slap me but please don't backstab and betray me. I will forgive but never forget and hence I will not accept you again. That's me!

They Left

Today's the last day of my semester break. Woke up early in the morning, prepared lunch for my family as they will be leaving. Feeling kind of down. They left, I realized atmosphere of my apartment changed from liveliness to quietness. Never felt that before they came. After few days of their visits, I found out I miss them so much. I missed hanging with my dad talking about everything from food to life philosophy. I missed hanging with my mom talking about my friends and telling her I wish to buy this and that. I missed fooling with my brother, comparing and discussing everything about teenagers. I even missed arguing and fighting with my younger sister. Everything seems to be so different ever since I'm here. Just so you know I seriously feel the loneliness now.

Visited Wendy's blog and her latest post about women nowadays that tolerate with disgrace and dishonor trigger off my detest on such jerks, although the women is stupid enough. There was a case where Stacy* who is a wife of a jerk and mother of 4 children facing a poor plight. Her beast husband having an affair with their maid. Even worst, it's not being hush up but to the eye of everyone. All Stacy* could do is to tolerate and keep quiet. Her beast husband kept the maid's passport so that she couldn't send the maid back. Furthermore, the maid having Stacy* beast husband as backing boldly treated the children badly and not doing her 'work' as a maid. She event snigger when the husband and wife having argument. I mean, how can Stacy* tolerate with this kind of situation? It's a poor plight, face it. She should make report to the agency to send the maid back and better still, divorce the husband. But like what my friend said, this kind of story happens all the time, sometimes we won't know. Hence, women are feeling more and more insecure to be with men. It's not only men's fault but women too. Things don't happen one way, what comes around go around, that's what I believe in.

What I believe in is... Karma. I do believe karma as things always happen for a reason. Cause of that reason, you are having or currently facing something. I'm not exactly a Buddhist, although I believe the 'kuan yin' and according to my grandmother, I'm 'kuan yin' so called 'goddaughter'. I trust 'kuan yin' has a kind of power that egis people who trusted her and set one's heart at rest. I don't know how to explain but I do think it's a believes I would like to hold on. However, beside 'kuan yin', I'm more to free thinker. I trust myself, I believe my feelings and sense although sometimes it maybe wrong.